My Teacher’s Allergies

My teacher has these allergies

That don’t seem like normal maladies.

Listen, and tell me, if you will,

If these behaviors make a teacher ill.

Burping and yawning, somewhat normal things,

Make my teacher’s eyeballs sting.

Say, “Excuse me” after you do it,

She’ll say, “Just stop. I’m allergic to it.”

Unpushed chairs and crooked tables

Cause a rash upon her elbows.

Dirty hands or food on your face?

Both will cause her heartbeat to race.

The drinking fountain during instruction

Will cause her tear duct’s abnormal function.

With tears streaming down her hot, red cheeks

She’ll say, “It’s my allergies; no more drinks for three weeks.”

Toys in kids’ pockets she’s not very good with.

Without your full attention joints get stiff.

And don’t dare mess with any of her stuff

Or the skin on her feet will start to get rough.

The sound of Velcro makes her sneeze,

Quibbling gives her itchy knees

Excuses, even if they’re true,

Make her ears turn black and blue.

Underwear showing, or worse, a butt crack,

Will make her allergies start to attack.

Her nose will run, her eyes will water,

Her hand on her head means she’s feeling hotter.

If on your skin you choose to write,

With my teacher it makes her throat go tight.

And don’t put those germy hands in your mouth.

She’s allergic to even the thought of filth.

No interrupting, no answering others’ questions.

These only worsen my teacher’s conditions.

Don’t pick your nose, don’t let it run,

The resulting reaction is a frightening one.

If you echo the teacher or somehow interfere

She’ll get a buzzing in her inner ear.

And jiggling or moving excessively

Will make her stomach bloat extensively.

If you raise your hand when you have a thought

And, when called upon, say, “I forgot,”

My teacher’s breathing practically stops

As all of her innards tie up in knots.

Noticing a spider on the floor

Won’t make her allergies act up more,

But if you mention it to the class

Her allergies are worse than any time in the past.

With my teacher we’ll never have opposite day.

Her hands swell when things don’t go just the right way.

Be sure not to let your zipper get stuck

Or my teacher, with her allergies, will be out of luck.

So, my teacher’s allergies… what do you think?

Will she really pour tears if you just get a drink?

Or is she just faking it day after day

To make sure we behave in a certain way?

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