A String of Pearls

I have fired my Match.com Case Manager.

All this time I thought he was offering his services out of the goodness of his heart, out of his desire to see a poor gal like me finally get a date and perhaps, by some miracle, a second date.

But no. Imagine my surprise when I was reviewing the charges on my credit card bill and noticed a $59.99 charge from Match.com. Must be some kind of mistake, I thought. I’ll call them on Monday and have them reverse the charges.

“Oh, are you not satisfied with your Match.com experience?” the woman on the other end asked when I told her I wanted the charge removed.

“Well, I haven’t really used the service for three and a half years now.” That was when I stopped searching through pictures, stopped reading profiles, stopped sending emails and winking clear across cyberspace. Three and a half years ago. “I mean, I don’t use the service in the traditional sense. I mostly just hang around with Jim. You know, Jim? I’m sure you’ve heard of him–Match.com Case Manager Extraordinaire. I spend time with him and he coaches me on being a better person and getting a date and all that. But he doesn’t charge me. So this $59.99 charge must be some sort of mistake.”

Silence. And more silence.

“Or… maybe it’s not? Please don’t tell me you’ve been billing me $59.99 every month for the last three years. I didn’t sign up for that. I clearly remember paying for six months. Just six months. Plus, I check my statements on a fairly regular basis and I’ve never seen a charge from you guys before this.”

“Well, actually, yes. You’ve been a member with us for nearly four years.”

“At $59.99 a month?!”

“No. It’s $59.99 for three months. You’ve been billed every three months.”

“What?” How could it be? Did my random credit card statement scanning really happen only when there wasn’t a $59.99 charge from Match.com? Or, did I just scan right over it because it wasn’t some ungodly huge amount that made me wonder where it came from?

The latter, I’m thinking. I charge everything to my REI credit card and get 1% back, which results in a hefty REI dividend each year. So, I have a lot of charges on my statement each month. Still, though.

“So, can I get the charge taken off?” If so, I could save $59.99 of the approximate… $720 I’VE BEEN CHARGED OVER THE LAST THREE YEARS!

“And, while I have you on the phone, can I please close my account for forever and ever?”

When I saw Jim a few days later, I told him the story. I told him I was officially done with Match.com. Therefore, he was fired. I begged him to continue his services with me, not via Match.com but just as a private consultant. A pro bono private consultant.

He agreed.

But that $59.99 must have gotten him thinking. Tonight he texted me and asked if I wanted to play racquetball in the morning. A typical text I get from him every few days. Of course I wanted to play.

Thank you for your interest in the program. Please hold for confirmation.

And then, a few minutes later: Your request for court number one has been approved for 5:00 and 6:00 a.m. tomorrow morning.

Not the typical response. A little on the formal side. Business-like. So I texted back: Moving on to Racquetball Case Management now? You charging $59.99 every three months?

Pricing has been modified since the last time you made a payment. It’s been simplified to ‘a buck a point.’ Pretty self-explanatory, isn’t it?

Well, for that price, I can reserve my own damn court. I don’t need a Match.com Case Manager and I don’t need a Racquetball Case Manager either!

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I went to a movie recently called The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. In the movie Walter tries online dating with eHarmony and has trouble with his account. When he calls for assistance, he establishes a relationship with the eHarmony employee, who then helps him refine his profile and work on meeting the girl of his dreams. It reminded me so much of my online dating Case Manager idea that I couldn’t help but wonder if a) they stole my concept or b) these online dating services really do have the equivalent of Case Managers?

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Just for the record (because I know some of my readers are/have been confused by my Case Manager series):

As far as I know, Match.com does not have Case Managers.

As far as I know, I am not as hopeless as I make myself sound and would not be a candidate for Match.com Case Management services if such services existed.

I stopped using Match.com three and half years ago when I met an amazing man named Jim. We’ve been hanging out ever since.

I’m not too terribly upset about the $720. However much I’ve invested in Match.com has been totally worth it.