That Last Photo

I suppose I knew at the time that my dad would never go home. In order to do so, he had to learn to walk again after having his toes amputated due to infection. He didn’t have the strength or balance to sit up, couldn’t hold the phone or even twist his upper body to answer it, and needed help eating. He hadn’t made much progress at the physical rehab place. Yes, I’m sure I knew he wouldn’t be going home.

Still, when my daughters and I visited him in Bullhead City, Arizona – where he had chosen to move many years earlier, distancing himself some 600 miles from any family – I encouraged him to keep trying. He had been back and forth between the hospital and rehab several times. He had endured three back-to-back surgeries, the doctors trying to save his toes, his feet, his legs from a staph infection. “Work on your upper body strength so you can get yourself in and out of a wheelchair. Then you’ll graduate to a walker and you’ll be able to go home.” I knew this would take months. I was pretty sure he didn’t have months.

During all this time in the hospital, my dad went through major alcohol withdrawal. He was an alcoholic for nearly 60 years. My entire life.

All those years of drinking, the surgeries, the alcohol withdrawal, the various medications – dementia was setting in and he was suddenly looking very old. His face was ashen compared to the usual state of robust red I’d always known him to have, his always broad and muscular shoulders so narrow now beneath the clean navy t-shirt he wore, his legs shrunken with atrophy from being in bed for three months. His left leg was in a brace, his right foot heavily bandaged, the amputation beneath not healing well.

It was his hair though that kept getting my attention. At age 78, it was still blonde, as were his whiskers and the hair on his chest and arms. He hadn’t had a haircut in a while and, at about an inch and a half, the freshly shampooed, fine strands were longer than I had ever seen them. Except for the occasional bed head – and it was a short bed head – my dad’s hair had always been neatly parted on the left side and combed down while wet. I chuckled that day at his longer, slightly unruly hair.

The day we visited, my dad was mostly coherent, mostly making sense. We asked about his care, caught him up on our trip to Arizona, commented repeatedly about his hair,Β  joked around. That’s what he was good at, joking around. He was in a good mood. I asked if I could take some pictures of him and he said, “Oh, yes,” and perked up even more. I took a few shots and then the girls asked if I wanted a picture of him and me together. Of course, I did.

He smiled for that picture. Something he hasn’t done in years.

DFH

Yes, I suppose I knew that my dad wasn’t going home. And that this was probably the last time I would see him. Though he was slightly confused and a little paranoid and, I’m sure, albeit being discreet, sad and scared, I was enjoying him in a way I never had before. He was, for the first time in my life, completely sober.

He wanted us to rub his legs. I got on one side, Addy on another, and we massaged his withered thighs. I knew Addy was a little uncomfortable with this. Admittedly, I was, too. I thought back to my girlhood, when my dad was always looking for one of us kids to give him a back rub. I would intentionally do a poor job, hoping he would choose my brother or sister the next time. But this time I gladly did it. And I regretted having not touched this man enough times in my life. In his life.

Amy, my youngest, sneaked away to a chair in the corner of the room. When I looked at her, she gave me a barely noticeable yet loud and clear shake of her head. No. Do not ask me to take a turn rubbing his legs.

I understood. And I didn’t ask her.

As my dad got sleepy and we three began to feel the emotional strain of the day, I started mentioning that we would have to go soon. After a while, the girls said goodbye to their grandpa, a man they hardly knew, and left the room.

Then it was just him and me. And yes, I’m sure I knew that he would not learn to walk again. That he would not be going home. That this would probably be my last trip to Arizona.

“Well, dad, I’ve got to go…,” I said. I wasn’t at all sure how to leave the room.

He immediately started in with some story. I smiled, shaking my head, thinking of all the times over the years when I’d rolled my eyes at this same scenario. It was usually when I was on the phone with him. I’d have to get going and I’d say so and he’d ignore me and just keep talking, not wanting the phone call to end.

I took one backward step toward the door. Then another. I had to get out of there. Why, I’m not sure. Why couldn’t I stay longer? Why didn’t I stay until he fell asleep? Why didn’t I rub his legs some more, his hair? I could have rubbed his hair and put him to sleep, like I had so many times with my children.

Tears pooled. I had to go before he saw them. Had to go while I was thinking positively about his sobriety, his hair, the notion that he might get stronger and go home and I could come back to Arizona and visit him again.

“I love you, Dad,” I said and quickly turned and walked out the door.

“Come back!” he yelled, with more vigor than I expected him to have. Then, a few seconds later, and sounding more resigned, “In here.”

Blurry eyed, I went as fast as I could down the hall, pass the nurses’ station, through the lobby, to my girls.

They looked at me, crying and running to get out of there, and I could see the concern, nearly horror, on their faces.

“Oh, mom,” Addy said, and they each took one of my arms and hustled me outside.

My dad’s health steadily declined and I did not return to Arizona before he passed away. When he was close to going, when he could no longer speak but the nurses were sure he could still hear and understand, I called and said what I needed to say and what I thought he needed to hear.

I’ve looked at the picture of him and me together, several times a day since then, and though it was taken at a sad time during his most unhealthy days, it makes me laugh and feel good. In this photo, he is alive and sober and smiling and I’m clearly enjoying those last minutes with my dad.

10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. codysdoyle
    Oct 05, 2014 @ 21:29:02

    Beautiful and real Randee. It made me think of my own relationship with my estranged dad. And how, I tried in vane to put the pieces back together over and over; to no avail. When one of us reaches our last “time” I’m full of the unknown. Thank you for sharing. I think it was exactly what you needed to do!
    Please keep writing, because your talent is fantastic!
    Cheers my friend! Xoxo
    Cody

    Reply

    • randee
      Oct 05, 2014 @ 21:50:32

      Cody, I did not know that you aren’t close with your dad. So many people are commenting that they didn’t know my family struggled all those years with my dad’s alcoholism. I appreciate you reading this. Here’s another thing I didn’t know – that you have a WordPress blog. How did I not know this? I must have a look at it.

      Reply

      • codysdoyle
        Oct 13, 2014 @ 21:19:50

        Yes Randee, I will have to share the details with you someday. It’s rather sad, as you can only imagine. I knew about your dad’s alcohol problem because you had told me. I’m just at a loss at this juncture.
        I hope this beautiful blog you wrote has let the writer’s block fade for you, as you know how healing and wonderful writing is. You truly have a gift and I love your writing, so selfishly I plead that you continue. πŸ˜‰
        AND you probably didn’t know I had a WP Blog site, because I haven’t been writing here a lot — but I’m going to start again and I’m truly excited. All the losses over this year have left even ME at a loss for words. πŸ˜‰
        Sending hugs and love!

      • randee
        Oct 13, 2014 @ 21:37:29

        Gosh, yes, all your losses. You have much to write. It will be beautiful and healing.

  2. betunada
    Oct 06, 2014 @ 15:54:47

    yes, your enveloping a situation with words is a gift ~ and you relay “it” with the respect and nuances and hard taps and …
    — it ain’t easy, “it” is inevitable, part of the big ol’ whatever it is we’re all doing (or hiding our heads in sands trying not to do). now what about that blonde thing?!
    mine (parents) have been in some other realm ten years now! it sneaks up, sometimes they’re in dreams, often i start to think “i wish they could see this”, i guess “it” will never go completely away.

    Reply

    • randee
      Oct 12, 2014 @ 20:37:22

      Thanks for the comment. The passing of a loved one sure does get you thinking about all those “its” you mentioned. I suppose that’s intentional.

      Reply

  3. Melissa Shaw-Smith
    Oct 06, 2014 @ 19:04:48

    Walking the line between love and anger with an alcoholic parent is so very difficult. I applaud the honesty and love with which you portray your relationship with your dad. I wish you peace in your memories of him.

    Reply

  4. Anonymous
    Oct 06, 2014 @ 23:37:28

    Simply put, this is the most beautiful piece I’ve read in a long time. My live goes out to you.

    Reply

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